Natalie Would (@_Natalie Would): How do you make friends? Asking for a casu- al acquaintance....
Natalie Would (@_Natalie Would): How do you make friends? Asking for a casu- al acquaintance.
Krista Pacion (@kristabellerina): Don't ask me why, but my kids hate it when I tell them to save their complaints about my parenting for their future therapist.
Terri Paella Piñata (@terrip38): Foods fake looking like chocolate when they're actually made with fig are why we have trust issues.
Meghan (@deloisivete): Sisyphus but it's just me trying to clean up the mess the kids made with styrofoam.
Sam Skoronski (@SamSkoronski): I don't take nonsense from anyone. I've got enough of my own.
Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson): We're all a little bit older since when you began reading this tweet.
A man sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking dog for sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
“I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
“So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the owner replies.
Shocked, the guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
"Life's too short. Start with dessert!" - Barbra Streisand
