I love my mother, but I also understand R's concerns, and I know reasoning with my mother may not work. What should I do?
Dear Guru,
I am a 28-year-old guy, recently engaged to R, the girl I've loved since high school. My mother was against this match because she believes that decent girls don’t get into relationships before nikah. However, my father supported me and convinced her to take my proposal to R’s family. R’s parents accepted my proposal, and with both families’ consent, we got engaged three months ago.
During the engagement ceremony, my mother showed some attitude towards R and her family. The presents she chose for them were shabby, and the traditional mithai that the groom’s family brings to the girl’s house was of poor quality. My father and I tried to reason with her, but she wouldn’t listen. R’s family, on the other hand, gave very nice presents and mithai, which embarrassed me. In the beginning, R tried to win my mother’s heart, but since the engagement, my mother has continued to be very rude to her. Now, R has asked me for a separate home because she feels my mother won’t change.
I love my mother, but I also understand R's concerns, and I know reasoning with my mother may not work. What should I do?
Anxious Son
Dear Anxious Son,
Your situation is definitely challenging, and it's clear that you care deeply about both your mother and R. This situation requires careful consideration, as it involves balancing your relationship with your mother and your future with R. It may be wise to have an open and honest conversation with your mother separately, expressing your feelings for her. If she’s feeling insecure about R’s place in your heart, this will help ease her fears. If this doesn’t work and living separately is what it takes to maintain harmony, it could be a practical solution. But you will have to be very diplomatic about conveying this decision to avoid further conflict. Explain that this arrangement is intended to create a peaceful environment for everyone, and you will continue to look after her.
Agreeing to R’s request for a separate house is a significant decision, and needs careful consideration. R has a right to her have her own house, as Islam also instructs a man to provide a separate and independent place for his wife. R has already expressed that she feels your mother is unlikely to change, and living together may lead to ongoing tension. If you believe that a separate house would ensure R’s well-being, it might be a wise choice.
Also, moving out doesn’t mean abandoning your mother. You can still maintain a close relationship with her while ensuring that your marriage starts on a strong and peaceful foundation. Reassure your mother that you will remain involved in her life and that this decision is about preserving harmony in both relationships.
If living together could lead to differences and stress, it’s better to address the issue now rather than letting it escalate after marriage. Separate living arrangements could provide space for both relationships to flourish without unnecessary tension. You could find a place close to your parents' house to keep them happy.
Good luck
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