Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat): I’ll be 85 years old and back to school commercials will still make me anxious....
Krista Pacion (@kristabellerina): Stages of morning:
1. Don’t talk to me, I haven’t had coffee.
2. Don’t talk to me, I’m drinking my coffee.
3. Don’t talk to me, the coffee kicked in and I have work to do.
Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat): I’ll be 85 years old and back to school commercials will still make me anxious.
Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork): Petition to stop harvesting innocent mountains for their precious dew.
Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence): Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up.
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix): Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
An older lady gets pulled over for going 70mph in a 35mph zone ...
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. Lost it, four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can’t do that. I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police vehicles circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet the liar told you I was going 70 in a 35, too!
“Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.” – Charles M. Schulz
