Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere): I have both cats and dogs and the biggest difference between them is one of them...
Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere): I have both cats and dogs and the biggest difference between them is one of them would willingly testify against you and the other would help you hide the body.
Hollie Harris (@allholls): Does anyone else grab the item behind the one in front when you’re shopping because you think there’s something wrong with the front one? Or is that just me?
Krista Pacion (@kristabellerina): If loading the dishwasher were an Olympic event, none of my family could qualify.
Jimmy Fallon (@jimmyfallon): Everyone thinks they’re so cool and confident until it comes time to parallel park in front of a line of strangers waiting for a brunch table.
Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters): Over the last four years, Joe Biden and Donald Trump have done a lot for feminism. They’ve managed to convince America that a 59-year-old woman is young.
• I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
• I don’t trust trees. They’re shady.
• I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.
• I used to work in computers. But then I lost my drive.
• I had a taser once. It was stunning.
• I went to buy a dead battery and the clerk said, “No charge.”
• I try to avoid birthdays. Too many will kill you.
• I wrote a song about burritos. It’s a rap.
• I wanted to buy camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
• I tried to take a photo of a wheat field. It turned out grainy.
• I’m happy Ford didn’t invent the airplane. It wouldn’t have been Wright.
• I was going to tell you a pizza joke, but it’s too cheesy.
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut
