Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Already in hell!
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press; no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up! All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, press 9. If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, press 9. If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, press 9.
It’s payback time
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the driver’s cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank his coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn’t say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”
“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”
Problem solved!
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone might steal it at night. So they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, “How will the watchman do his job without instructions?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions, GS-12, and one person to do time studies, GS-1. Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a QC position and hired two people: one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions: a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people. Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative position and hired three people: Officer GM-13, Officer GS-12 and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget. We must cutback the overall cost.” So they laid off the night watchman.
