COMIC RELIEF

Xwit

* Ben Acker (@bnacker): Having now tried it both ways, I definitively prefer the power in my home to be on, not off.

* Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl): Just discovered that an old friend mysteriously unfollowed me on Instagram and I’m DESPERATE to know why but I’m gonna be a mature adult about it (say nothing, but spend two weeks creating elaborate narrative arcs that substantiate her newfound hatred of me).

* Ruth Buzzi (@Ruth_A_Buzzi): Now that vehicles can drive themselves, it’s just a matter of time until we have a country song about a truck leaving a cowboy.

* Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau): An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.

Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

* Bill Maher (@billmaher): Is hunting really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t even know a game is going on?

Laugh lines

There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames. He called in the best firefighting team and equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose.

Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. The volunteers arrived, chugging up in their 1946 truck, and, without stopping, passed every one of the state-of-the-art rigs, and headed straight toward the centre of the fire. They finally stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire.

When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew’s dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000.

Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. “Well,“ the chief replied, “the first thing we’re going to do is fix those lousy brakes!!”

Points to ponder

“If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin