COVER STORY
The last 365 362 days saw the world come together in peace and harmony, shunning war and conflict, working to eradicate poverty and hunger, striving for economic and social equality, and focusing on embracing inner beauty and beautiful actions.
Haha, just kidding. It was a dumpster fire.
The planet was a hot mess, both literally and figuratively, as humankind continued to ruin its own home and its own existence because that’s just how smart we are as a species. Inflation and economic woes plagued some countries, actual plagues threatened to plague others. Cult mentality in celebrity worship was at an all-time high; any semblance of what is actually important in life was at an all-time low.
The year taught us that money still ruled the world, that having said money didn’t always make people very smart, but that being born rich was still the best decision you could possibly make.
And, perhaps most importantly, it taught us that if you ever feel a sudden urge to challenge a certain Russian fella, don’t do it. Seriously, don’t. Do some breathing exercises, light an incense, maybe draw a Zentangle or two instead, and just let it go. Leeet it go.
The rise and rise of AI: The advancing, evolving capabilities of artificial intelligence continued to garner attention, with apps like ChatGPT (which was launched towards the end of the previous year) gaining more and more traction. This inevitably led to fears of AI taking over the world. Then we looked at the state of the world and thought maybe that won’t be such a bad thing after all.
Peshawar bombing: 84 people lost their lives in a suicide blast on 30 January in Peshawar. This was one of numerous terrorist attacks – like the Khar bombing in July that killed 63 people and the Mastung bombing in September that caused at least 60 deaths – that shook the country throughout the year. The world at large continued to grapple with terrorism, mass shootings, gun violence, war, and conflict. So yeah, really can’t wait to welcome our future AI overlords. May they be more benevolent than we are ourselves.
Turkey–Syria earthquakes:
Humans: Nothing can cause us more damage than we cause ourselves, can it.
Mother nature: Hold my beer.The deadliest earthquake in over a decade led to over 59,000 fatalities – 50,783 in Turkey and 8,476 in Syria – and caused widespread damage in the region. And that’s not the only major seismic calamity of the year, of course. There were several other earthquakes in 2023, including a 6.8 magnitude tremor that struck western Morocco in September (2,960 casualties), and a 6.3 magnitude triplet quake in western Afghanistan the following month (over 1,000 casualties).
High-altitude object events: Like something out of really lame science fiction, mysterious flying objects appeared in different parts of the world (but mostly the Americas); some of them were shot down by the U.S. Air Force. They were either Chinese spy balloons or confused aliens stunned by the wreck of a planet they had stumbled upon, unable to process how any civilization can be this level of stupid.
65th Annual Grammy Awards: Former One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles beat the likes of Beyonce and Kendrick Lamar to win the Album of the Year award for Harry’s House because not everything in life must make sense, then proceeded to proclaim that “this doesn’t happen to people like me very often”, what with British white men famously being such an overlooked, downtrodden class.
The Eras Tour success: From her massively popular concert tour to the release of re-recordings of her albums (not to mention the drama surrounding her relationships with Joe Alwyn, Matty Healy, and Travis Kelce), private-jet-overuser Taylor Swift dominated pop culture in 2023, proving once and for all that there is no limit to what rich white people can achieve if they just put their white privilege mind to it. But hey, at least it was a woman this time? #ThatsOneSmallStepForARichWhiteWoman…
95th Academy Awards: The Oscars, meanwhile, weren’t so white for a change. The night belonged to the wonderful Everything Everywhere All at Once, a film that left us with a heart full of absurdist joy and a craving for bagels. The movie took home seven trophies, including the award for Best Picture, Best Director (Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert), Best Actress (Michelle Yeoh), Best Supporting Actor (Ke Huy Quan), Best Supporting Actress (Jamie Lee Curtis), Best Original Screenplay (Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert), and Best Film Editing (Paul Rogers).
India population record: India took over the World’s Most Populous Country title from China as its number of inhabitants exceeded 1.425 billion this year. This figure is expected to rise in the coming decades (unlike China where the population is expected to continue to decline). India – one of the world’s only two population billionaires – reached the billion mark in 2000 and is set to reach 1.7 billion by 2050. Still can’t find 11 dudes who’re halfway decent at kicking a ball though, can they.
Covid emergency end: The World Health Organization ended its declaration of COVID-19 being a global health emergency, leaving us having to look for another excuse to avoid human interaction because dagnabbit, people are still annoying.
Coronation of Charles III: Britain continued refusing to enter the twenty first twentieth century – because why have equality when you can have nepotism instead – and held a lavish ceremony to crown the eldest son of Imelda Staunton’s character as its new ruler.
9/5 riots: Tensions boiled over as PTI supporters clashed with government forces, resulting in five deaths, over 5,000 arrests, and a tumultuous day for the country.
Titan submersible implosion: A dingy underwater vessel that is steered using a modified game controller, has no on-board location system or emergency locator beacon, and cannot be opened from the outside once the hatch is closed from the inside? Yeah, sounds like a solid plan. Can’t see any possible issues there at all. 10 out of 10. Would recommend.
Twitter renamed X: And in even more news from the “billionaires making stupid decisions” department, everyone’s least favourite rich dude (and boy did he have competition in this category!) Elon Musk decided to rename Twitter to X so that every publication would henceforth have to refer to the social media platform as “X (formerly known as Twitter)”, which our brains would then have to keep overriding to “Twitter (currently known as X for some reason)”. Thanks to the app turning into conspiracy theory central, advertising went bye bye along with any semblance of sanity.
Barbenheimer phenomenon: From counterprogramming to promotional synergy, two polar opposite mass-marketed commercial products came together to give us a double feature about two things that are the most quintessentially American: capitalism and war. Barbie and Oppenheimer collectively made over US$2 billion and made a handful of people very rich, so clearly a win for all mankind. Now how soon before someone starts working on the Barbenheimer movie?
Global warming record: The world’s oceans reached a new record high temperature (20.96°C), right after July turned out to be the hottest month on record for globally averaged surface air temperatures (by 0.3°C). These record temperatures came as a warning for mankind to take care of our planet, phase out fossil fuels, and get rid of plastics. And/or just throw Henry Cavill and his hotness off the planet because that might work too. Barring that, if you want some beach front property, now would be the perfect time to buy a house in Sialkot.
Pakistan political challenges: The dissolution of the national and provincial assemblies led to the set-up of a caretaker government, which will remain in place till the general elections next year. Arif Alvi retained his position as the president of the country, while Anwar ul Haq Kakar was sworn in as the caretaker prime minister.
Chandrayaan-3 lunar landing: India became the first country to land a spacecraft near the south pole of Earth’s only natural satellite as part of ongoing attempts to explore the Moon in case there’s ever a dairy shortage on the planet and we need a backup supply of cheese.
Storm Daniel: Stormy Daniels was ordered to pay Donald Trump US$120,000 after losing her appeal to … oh wait, STORM Daniel; never mind then. It killed a whole bunch of people. It was the deadliest Mediterranean tropical-like cyclone in recorded history with as many as 20,000 estimated casualties. It was all kinds of awful. Not nearly as salacious as Stormy Daniels though.
Israel–Hamas war: A series of coordinated attacks by Hamas on southern Israel was followed by the most significant military escalation in the region in decades that has since resulted in 20,000+ deaths in Gaza and an appalling display of all that is wrong with humankind.
Rugby World Cup: If a tree falls in a forest the Rugby World Cup happened in France, and no one is around to hear it we didn’t watch it, does it make a sound did South Africa really win?
Cricket World Cup: The 2023 ICC World Cup totally didn’t happen at all. Pakistan didn’t get knocked out in the group stage after playing poorly, and Australia didn’t win the tournament for the 9376285th time. Nope. None of that happened.
Unrelated: We seem to have misplaced our neuralyzer. Has anyone seen it by any chance? Really can’t remember when we last used it…
COP28 climate summit: Ok so it turns out we just might be able to allow Henry Cavill and his hotness to stay on the planet. World governments agreed to transition away from fossil fuels and increase renewable energy generation capacity at the United Nations Climate Change Conference towards the end of the year, suggesting that there still might be some hope for our species after all.
