Elon’s story is an inspiring reminder that as long as your dad owns an apartheid emerald mine, you too can become the biggest loser on Earth....
* Rainn Wilson (@rainnwilson): Someday Taylor Swift (@TaylorSwift) will wear pants at a concert - the chaos and confusion will convulse the multitudes, causing the destruction and death of western civilization.
* Sarah Millican (@SarahMillican75): The thing that impresses me most about cooking programmes is that their baking trays are clean at the start rather than black with burnt on dinners of the past.
* Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein): Elon’s story is an inspiring reminder that as long as your dad owns an apartheid emerald mine, you too can become the biggest loser on Earth.
Laugh lines
Bad day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.“
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears. “This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep and go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Points to ponder
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” - Will Ferrell
