Most psychological experts agree that each person needs at least one other person with whom they can connect and share a bond of affection, understanding and mutuality....
COVER STORY
Humans are ‘relationship seeking’ by nature. From the time we are born, we have an innate need to connect with and form bonds with others. Research studies have found that if infants do not receive love and affection they experience ‘failure to thrive’ and may even waste away to the point of death. Most psychological experts agree that each person needs at least one other person with whom they can connect and share a bond of affection, understanding and mutuality.
The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines attachment as an emotional bond between a human infant or a young nonhuman animal and its parent figure or caregiver; it is developed as a step in establishing a feeling of security and demonstrated by calmness while in the parent’s or caregiver’s presence. Attachment also denotes bonds with certain other individuals in infancy as well as the tendency in adulthood to seek emotionally supportive social relationships.
Read on to understand the types of attachment and how you can recognise and work on your attachment styles to become emotionally healthier.
The Attachment Theory
The study of attachment is an area in psychology that focuses on understanding the nature, quality and impact of relationships between people. What is now known as ‘attachment theory’ was originally developed by the British psychologist John Bowlby in the late 1950s. Bowlby built on concepts he encountered in ethology (the science of animal behaviour) and in developmental psychology (study of growth and change across our lifespans) to theorise that young children need to develop a close relationship with at least one caregiver/parent/guardian for healthy social and emotional development. He termed this phenomenon of attachment ‘a lasting psychological connectedness between humans’ and believed that the impact of this bond is experienced throughout one’s lifetime.
Bowlby viewed attachment as serving two main interests: (1) to increase the survival chances of the young, by ensuring a relationship with a provider of care and (2) to regulate painful emotions following threatening or harmful events. A bond between parent and child, for example, would ensure that the parent protected the child from threats, provided adequate feeding and emotional responsiveness and aided the development of the child into an autonomous individual. Additionally, through the parent’s response to the child’s distress, the child would be able to learn ways to manage her or his difficult emotions.
The ‘Strange Situation’ Study
In 1970, Mary Ainsworth developed a research study to explore attachment between infants and their primary caregivers (usually mothers). This study was titled the ‘Strange Situation’ study as it involved introducing infants into an unfamiliar environment and to an unfamiliar person in both the presence of and the absence of their mothers. An infant and their mother would enter a room with toys for the infant to play with, and a researcher would observe the behaviour of mother and infant as they first played together, followed by the mother briefly leaving the infant to play alone and returning and the mother leaving the infant briefly to play in the presence of an unfamiliar person and then returning.
Stage 1 – Mother and child enter the playroom
Stage 2 – The child is encouraged to explore
Stage 3 – Stranger enters and attempts to interact
Stage 4 – Mothers leaves while the stranger is present
Stage 5 – Mother enters and the stranger leaves
Stage 6 – Mothers leaves
Stage 7 – Stranger returns
Stage 8 – Mother returns and interacts with child
Out of the 100 infants included in the study, 70 percent demonstrated ‘secure’ attachment (distressed when the mother left, avoided stranger alone but friendly in the presence of mother, happy when mother returned and used mother as a secure base from which to explore the environment), 15 percent demonstrated ‘insecure avoidant’ attachment (no visible distress when mother left, played as normal in presence of stranger, showed little interest when mother returned and could be comforted equally well by mother and stranger), and the remaining 15 percent demonstrated ‘insecure ambivalent’ attachment (intense distress when mother left, fearful of stranger, approached mother when she returned but avoided contact with her, generally cried more and explored less than other two groups).
Types of Attachment
Over time, attachment style classifications have evolved and more contemporary understandings of attachment styles suggest the following classification:
1. Secure: People with secure attachment are comfortable expressing affection and intimacy as well as being independent. They tend to have a healthy level of self-confidence and self-esteem. They are able to establish, maintain and when necessary, negotiate boundaries in their relationships with other people. They have a clear sense of ‘this is where I end and you begin’. They are able to trust people whom they feel close to, and while rejection hurts, they can cope with the pain and move forward in life as necessary. They feel safe being open about themselves and relying on others when needed.
2. Anxious/ Pre-Occupied Attachment: People with this attachment style are often stressed and nervous about relationships. They fear being alone and usually require a lot of reassurance from partners, friends and family members. They have difficulties trusting others, and yet also rely excessively on other people to manage their emotions for them. They may have difficulties with self-esteem, and may be drawn to unhealthy relationship dynamics such as co-dependency. They may struggle to establish or maintain their own boundaries, fearing that others will be annoyed with them for doing so. They may also struggle to respect others’ boundaries, viewing them as distancing strategies or rejections. They may become fixated on rejections from the past and overwhelmed by the pain. They usually worry that revealing their ‘true self’ will lead to rejection.
3. Fearful Avoidant/ Disorganised Attachment: This attachment style is the one most associated with the likelihood of having experienced childhood neglect, trauma or abuse; especially in circumstances when the person supposed to be the child’s protector is also the abuser. The only source of safety is also the source of fear. Hence people with this attachment style have much difficulty trusting others and tend to be unpredictable in their behaviour within relationships. They may crave closeness and also hate it. Their inner experience is usually along the lines of ‘I don’t like me, and I don’t trust you but I need you to survive’. They struggle with self-esteem and may believe they don’t deserve loving relationships. They may refuse to take responsibility, experience mood swings and have sudden emotional outbursts within their interpersonal relationships. They are terrified of being hurt and would hate for others to see them as needing anything or being vulnerable. Their boundaries will be inconsistent and unpredictable. They also frequently suffer from mental health difficulties.
4. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment: People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style are excessively independent and are typically uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness. They may worry about being overwhelmed by other people and tend to feel ‘suffocated’ in intimate or close relationships. They tend to have high self-confidence and low emotional expressiveness and warmth towards others. They are likely to avoid relying on others, even when it would be advisable to do so. They are unlikely to reveal much of themselves to close friends, partners or family members. They tend to have a prepared ‘exit’ strategy from most of their relationships. They may also have very rigid boundaries with which they are unwilling to be flexible.
Attachment Styles & Mental Health
Attachment insecurity has been linked to various mental health difficulties, including substance use disorders. Some studies indicate that secure attachment significantly reduces a person’s risk of using and abusing substances. Researchers suggest that there is a developmental pathway from insecure attachment to substance use as people with insecure attachment may not have developed healthy self-soothing strategies in childhood and may now turn to substances to manage their emotions as a form of ‘self-medication’.
A study from 2019 entitled ‘Attachment and Substance Use Disorders—Theoretical Models, Empirical Evidence, and Implications for Treatment’, published in Frontiers in Psychiatry, found that fearful avoidant attachment was found most commonly amongst heroin dependent people, and general anxious attachment was more common in those dependent on alcohol. Other studies suggest that cannabis users tend to be dismissive avoidant, and users of Ecstasy tend to have generally insecure attachment with no specific style as dominating.
Attachment insecurity has also been linked to the development of depression, paranoia, personality disorders, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder and suicidal tendencies.
It may seem self-evident that secure attachment is associated with better mental health, but having an insecure attachment style is not a life sentence. Attachment styles can change through our experiences with safe relationships and secure significant others. Each experience of a significant relationship is ‘internalised’ (it is stored in our minds as a potential template for future relationships, and on the basis of it we draw conclusions about ourselves, others and the nature of relationships).
Addressing Insecure Attachment
1. Recognise and work on your patterns. Becoming aware of your attachment style and actively working to understand how it may have developed helps give you context and a goal to work towards. You may consider doing so in therapy or through self-reflection.
2. Recognise unhealthy relationship dynamics in your life and actively address them. This means learning to first develop and then set your boundaries in relationships. For more on this, consider reading Nedrat Glover Tawwab’s ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’ or self-help books by Sarah Knight.
3. Develop a healthier relationship with yourself and work on your self-esteem through therapy, self-reflection or self-compassion exercises.
4. Learn to recognise and express your emotions. A useful tool is the ‘Emotions Wheel’ which may help you find the right words for what you are feeling. Equally useful is learning to tune into your body and notice how your body feels. Your body is constantly giving you signals about your physical and emotional state.
Learn ways to regulate your emotions. Emotion regulation means recognising, accepting, feeling your emotion and not becoming overwhelmed by it. There are many online resources for emotional regulation and a good book on this is ‘Calming the Emotional Storm’ by Sheri Van Dijk.
