For instance, imagine that you’ve texted a close friend to ask if they’d like to meet you this weekend and almost 24 hours have gone by with no response from them....
COVER STORY
A central premise of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is that thoughts precede feelings. So, any thoughts you may have make you experience emotions related to those thoughts. For instance, imagine that you’ve texted a close friend to ask if they’d like to meet you this weekend and almost 24 hours have gone by with no response from them.
The time spent waiting for your friend’s response will probably make your mind go into overdrive. It’s possible that you will think they are probably busy with work, family or any other commitments and would get back to you as soon as possible. But what’s more important here is how you’ll feel if you had such a thought. You’re most likely not going to have a strong emotional reaction to the lack of response on text. Now, let’s consider an alternative idea that your mind could also come up with: they are not responding because they want to avoid you and don’t actually like you. Now, such a thought is much more likely to distress you and bring up unpleasant emotions, such as anger, disappointment, anxiety, sadness, loneliness and isolation.
The first step towards managing our emotions is to develop an awareness of our thought patterns. Keeping a journal or a diary may help you do so. Once you write your thoughts down, it may be easier to distance yourself from them and see them more clearly. The goal is not “positive thinking at all costs!” Remember that “negative” or stressful thoughts can also be true in some circumstances.
For example, someone who is being bullied at school may think about how their tormentors’ smiles and sneering looks could mean that they are up to something. This thought and any associated anxiety or fear would be considered adaptive and understandable. Such a situation would require solving the root cause (bullying) rather than changing the person’s thinking patterns. So, the purpose of recognising your thinking patterns is to develop more realistic thinking. This includes knowing when a problem needs solving beyond your own self-management or coping skills. The types of unhelpful or maladaptive thinking patterns that we usually fall victim to include the following:
Personalisation You blame yourself entirely for something beyond your control, or you think something is said or done with reference to you in particular even when objectively there is little evidence to suggest this. For example, “Did you notice how Ayesha was talking about people who don’t like reading? I know she wanted to make me feel silly.”
Overgeneralisation
You inferring – either from a single event or from a few coincidences – a principle that you apply across the board. For example, “I failed this mathematics exam, and it just goes to show that I am a poor student. I can’t study.”
Minimising the positive
You downplay positive events or achievements. For example, “I won the debates tournament, but that’s really not a big deal. I mean so many people are able to do that. There’s nothing special in winning a debate.”
Magnifying the negative
Your focus is mainly on the negative, even when it is minor, in comparison to the positive. For example, “My teacher said I have a lot of potential and write well, but I need to work on being more concise. She must think I’m so stupid. Ugh, why do I always write long sentences?”
Mind reading
As the name suggests, these kinds of unhelpful thoughts involve assuming you know what others are thinking or predicting how they will react. For example, “Nida was frowning when I was telling her about my new project. She was definitely annoyed with me and was thinking about how I talk too much.”
Emotional reasoning
“This must be true because I feel this way” is the essence of emotional reasoning. Feelings are not facts, but with emotional reasoning we assume they are. For example, “I feel sad and worthless; so, I am worthless.”
All-or-nothing thinking
Also called black-and-white thinking, this happens when a person thinks in absolutes. For example, other people are seen as either good or bad; there’s nothing in-between.
These are just a few examples of unhelpful thoughts that you may experience on a regular basis. But, if you search online for “cognitive distortions,” you’ll see an entire list of similar unhealthy thought patterns that people impose on themselves. They’re unhealthy because these biases don’t help you lead a positive life. In fact, these rules are irrational; they are simply mental blockages that trigger your (social) anxiety and make you feel bad about yourself!
Once you’ve kept a journal for a while and have started to notice which kinds of unhelpful thoughts you have regularly, you can start reflecting on why you may have developed this thinking pattern. Was this something that was once true? Did these now unhelpful thoughts help you to cope in the past? Were these thoughts direct or indirect messages you may have received from people around you? Allow yourself to explore and understand where these thinking patterns come from. Sometimes it may be obvious and sometimes you may struggle to identify the root of these patterns.
Don’t worry if you cannot identify any reason or any starting point for these thoughts. If nothing comes up for you, then reflect on what these thoughts may be telling you. Are these thoughts signaling that you feel judged, unsafe or isolated? Whatever it may be, notice it and talk to someone (preferably a mental health professional) about it. Once you recognise your thoughts and their possible roots, you can consider how true or how useful they are now. Make a list of these thoughts and, right next to it, make another list that has objective evidence for and against those specific claims. “Evidence” does not include thoughts or emotions.
Evidence will be something external and observable. The purpose of this exercise is to help you see if these thoughts are unhelpful and no longer relevant for you in the present. When you’ve written down the evidence for and against, you can understand which side has stronger points. If there is more substantial evidence “for” a thought, consider why this is so and whether you need to think about resolving a situation rather than managing your thoughts. If there is more substantial evidence “against” the thought, consider what would be a truer or more realistic and helpful thought to have now. Write down the new thought that you want to have and revisit it daily, whether reading it aloud to yourself or mentally reminding yourself of it when the unhelpful thought intrudes. This may seem like a lot of effort, but it’s worth it. Recognising and working through unhelpful thoughts will allow you to better understand yourself and your reactions in daily life. Understanding yourself opens the way to being a healthier self.
