Letters

Dear Professor,

I am a 55-year-old married man with three children. My old parents live with me as I am their only son. My marriage was an arranged one and my mother chose my wife. Unfortunately, she became jealous of her soon after our wedding. To assure her that I had not changed, I did whatever I could. Every day, after returning from work, I used to spend at least an hour before going to my room. I hardly ever went with my wife to her parents’ house because my mother didn’t want me to. I wanted to prove to my mother that she had not lost me, but had gained a daughter. Unfortunately, this did not happen. My wife was cautious initially because she knew my mother’s position was very strong. I always sided with my mother against my wife and would tell her to back off even when she was right. I thought my wife would understand my position; as a son, I could not go against my mother, but it did not work out. Soon my wife started fighting with me. After giving birth to three children, she felt secure enough to challenge my mother, and my mother took this badly. To put it in a nutshell, my mother was at fault and gave a rough time to my wife. My wife has no reason to feel sympathy for my mother who has become bedridden. Now, she wants my wife to sit with her but my wife doesn’t want to give her time. She takes care of her food and we have a nurse to look after my mother, but what she wants is company. I have to work so I can’t be with her all the time. My sisters think I should force my wife to spend time with her, and I did try to make her do that but she refused. She said she would supervise the nurse and see that my mother has food and medicine on time, but nothing further. Now my sisters are accusing me of not being man enough to make my wife do her duty. My children tell me that they won’t brook any interference from my sisters and I am going nuts. Either I can stay at home and look after my mom or work! What do you think I should do?

Distraught Man

Dear Distraught Man,

Jealousy between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a common thing whether it’s a love marriage or an arranged one. However, it is the responsibility of the man to make sure that his mother is treated right by his wife, and his wife is given her due place by his mother. You failed miserably because you did not support your wife even though you knew your mother was wrong. You should have spoken up for your wife firmly but with respect to your mother. It seems you just wanted to prove you were a good son, but you do not come across as a good husband in the scenario described by you. Your wife is totally within her rights to not look after your mom. It’s good of her to even supervise the nurse and see to your mother’s food and medicine. You should tell your sisters to come and visit their mom. You have not stated how many sisters you have, but even if they are two they should come on alternate days to give your mother company. Of course you have to work, so you have to trust your wife to supervise the nurse. Your mother is now reaping what she sowed, and there is nothing you can do about it. If you try to force your wife, you would be wrong and would further antagonise her and your children. So your sisters should do their bit and you can spend as much time as possible after returning from work. After all, that has been your norm, so it shouldn’t be a problem now. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution? You can e-mail

Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Write to Prof. Nadine Khan, c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine,

The News, Al-Rehman Building

(4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.