‘Despacito’ became the biggest hit in the known universe, leaving us to wonder what sins we had committed to deserve the cruel punishment of being subjected to this torture ten million times a day.
MusicMix
From Lorde to Daddy Yankee, Rihanna and Diplo, a lowdown on what went on in the international music scene in the last 12 months.
‘Despacito’ became the biggest hit in the known universe, leaving us to wonder what sins we had committed to deserve the cruel punishment of being subjected to this torture ten million times a day.
Excuse us while we shake our fist at Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee.
“Featuring Justin Bieber” became the three most feared words in the English language.
Sam Smith released a new record which was the auditory equivalent of sitting in a tub of cold, bland, whiny porridge.
Two years into their 18-month hiatus – because they’re either big fat liars or disturbingly bad at math – the members of One Direction continued their solo escapades.
Bruno Mars had a golden year.
Ed Sheeran’s (divide) conquered the world.
There was nothing holdin’ Shawn Mendes back except lack of talent. Or maybe that was Charlie Puth because we still can’t tell the difference between the two. Presuming they are two different people. Maybe they aren’t. For all we know, they could be the same person. Are they the same person? Also, who is Austin Mahone? And will someone tell those damn kids to get off our lawn?!
DJ Khaled and Khaled definitely are two different people. See? We knew that one! We are clearly very hip.
We’re sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh ‘cause she’s dead! And the new Taylor? Oh she’s just as irritating as the old one, so nothing’s really changed on that front. [insert snake emoji here].
John Mayer > Orlando Bloom > Diplo, revealed Katy Perry while promoting the hell out of Witness. She also got a cool $25mil to join the judging panel of the upcoming American Idol revival.
Rihanna compared Diplo’s music to airport reggae. It really wasn’t poor Diplo’s year, was it?
Lady Gaga did her best Pink impersonation at the Super Bowl half-time show.
Selena Gomez’s friend, actress Francia Raisa, gave her a kidney, making all friends everywhere look really, really bad in comparison.
Miley Cyrus gave up weed, shocked the world by putting on some clothes, and reclaimed her pop career.
Demi Lovato released a new album that was as unexceptional as all her previous ones.
The melodramatic Lorde impressed listeners with her breakup blues.
Zara Larsson continued to have a music career because some things just defy logic. Ditto Dua Lipa.
Ariana Grande brought the world together in love, defiance, and resilience by arranging a massive charity concert two weeks after a tragic suicide bombing following her gig in Manchester.
Madonna thought an awful lot about blowing up the White House.
All mainstream pop songs sounded exactly the same, which makes sense because Sia wrote them all.
Haim released a ho-hum album but we’re going to say it was totes amazing because that will make us sound cool, right?
Avril Lavigne didn’t release music this year, so … silver lining.
Fifth Harmony carried on without Camila Cabello who had a hit with ‘Havana’.
“[Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are] so in love it’s disgusting,” said Adam Levine, making this the only time we have ever agreed with Adam Levine about anything. Only, he was joking, and we are not.
Tim McGraw and Faith Hill decided to shake things up by making a really, really boring record together.
Shania Twain released her first new album in 15 years.
Björk continued to charm us with all her glorious weirdness. And by “charm” we mean “confuse” because all her work left us with the same question: what on Earth was that?
Kendrick Lamar made another critically acclaimed album so that he could be nominated for lots of Grammy Awards before Taylor Swift ludicrously wins them all. No, we aren’t still seething over last year’s ceremony; whatever gave you that impression?
Speaking of Grammy injustices, this year Adele was handed the Album of the Year award for 25, a decision so ridiculous that even she had to acknowledge its daftness and basically ended up spending her entire acceptance speech explaining why Beyoncé’s Lemonade should have won instead.
Chance the Rapper became the first unsigned artist to ever win a Grammy.
SZA made listeners go “OMG!” with her debut album, Ctrl.
Other breakthrough artists of the year included Halsey, Kehlani, and Cardi B.
Nicki Minaj appeared on other people’s songs.
Jason Derulo kept singing his own name.
Eminem made a comeback.
Rumi and Sir joined Beyoncé and Jay Z’s family, while the latter released a powerful new album, 4:44.
Vince Staples’ Big Fish Theory and Childish Gambino’s “Awaken, My Love!” impressed everyone everywhere.
Drake continued to exist.
We lost Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Tom Petty, Malcolm Young, Chuck Berry, Robert Miles, Gregg Allman, Glen Campbell, David Cassidy. There must be one hell of a supergroup in heaven now.
Black Sabbath broke up, which was very unexpected news because who knew they were still together?
Imagine Dragons did not break up. Pity.
Coldplay made a song with The Chainsmokers because clearly they hate us.
The Gallagher brothers, their giant egos, continuous bickering, and individual projects all made 2017 a lot more fun.
Gorillaz new album was called Humanz because they clearly can’t decide which species they are.
U2 made a record that sounded exactly like you’d imagine a U2 record would sound like.
The new Foo Fighters’ album brought nothing new to the proverbial table.
God’s favourite band Green Day released a compilation of – we’re presuming – God’s favourite tunes.
Incubus displayed their creativity by naming their eighth album 8.
The Killers made a wonderful, wonderful new album.
Arcade Fire polarized critics.
Perfume Genius made a stunning chamber pop record.
Father John Misty made pure comedy. Fleet Foxes cracked up.
Olivia Chaney basically turned The Decemberists into her backing band because she is just THAT awesome.
And LCD Soundsystem, The National, and The War on Drugs all released very well received albums.
