* Meghan (deloisivete): I’m not saying I need more sleep, I’m just saying I tried to open the front door of the house by pointing my car key fob at it.
* Terri Paella Piñata (terrip38): I live my life in simple terms. I have to. I don’t have a very expansive vocabulary.
* Karli Marulli (karlimarulli): Getting so bored at work that I just start completing my assigned tasks.
* Jonathan Edward Durham (thisone0verhere): Stages of eating popcorn:
1) omg I have so much popcorn
2) oh no
* Ben Acker (bnacker): Time to take down your “The Bear isn’t a comedy” decorations.
* Bob Phillips (BobTheSuit): 911: Your emergency?
- Gary just said “For all intensive purposes.”
911: STAY CALM WE’RE SENDING MULTIPLE CARS
* Kellalena (topaz_kell): … and for my next trick, I will worry about 20 different things at the same time.
A family from the hills of Kentucky was visiting the big city for the first time. They stayed in a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off the lobby. The father and son stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was.
After staring at it in awe for a few minutes, the boy looked up at his dad. “Pa, what do you reckon that there thing is?” he asked.
“I don’t rightly know, son.” the father replied.
Just then an old, frumpy woman with curlers in her hair walked up, stepped on the elevator, and the doors shut behind her. After about 30 seconds, the doors opened again and a beautiful, young woman walked out. The father leaned over to his son and said, “Boy, go and get your ma!”
“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt