* John Collins (HolyDalek): “Knock, knock.“
“Who’s there?”
“The doorbell repair man.”
* Bob Phillips (BobTheSuit): My idiot life in three easy steps:
1. Order extra ranch
2. Forget to use it
3. Spread it around on plate so waitress doesn’t get mad at me
* Rodney Lacroix (RodLacroix): Me: [eating corn on the cob]
Wife [across the table]: This relationship would have gone differently if you had corn on the cob on our first date.
* Hollie Harris (allholls): *looks at recipe prep time*: 10 minutes
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
* Kip Conlon (kipconlon): If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”
“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,“ replied Jack.
“That must be expensive,“ Bob said.
“He charges $5,000 a month,“ Jack told him.
“$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.
“I don’t know,” said Jack, “that’s his problem.”
“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” – Napoleon Bonaparte